I'm in deep...

...smit, as my good friend Andy used to say regarding women. I saw my former girlfriend on Saturday for the first time in two weeks. It was great to see her, but it made me realize how crazy I am for the girl still. Though I'm glad we left on the most amenable terms possible, it's hard to move on because we enjoy each other so much. It's hard for both of us.

Being in the dating game sucks, plain and simple. There is a constant thread of possiblilty running through my head as I encounter women throughout a given day. "Could she be someone I'd like to date?" It's silly, but it's gotta be a dozen times a day that this thought pops into my head. I hate it, and wish I could simply fast forward five years to the time when I'm actually married and the question is settled once and for all. For now, it all boils down to the quintessential question: how do you meet someone suitable? This is particularly difficult when you have found someone so well suited to yourself that you think it nigh on impossible to find another so alike in so many ways. Alike in all ways except matters of grave importance. As to compatibility, the standard has been set very high, and the result is that I am a cynic.

In a moment where I desired action to balance the disappointment I felt in my newly found single state, I joined eHarmony. What a plastic way to meet your future mate. There are a few women whom I've found interesting enough to attempt correspondence with, but those women seem to have little interest in me, based on their lethargic correspondence. On my match page, practically all I have seen for a week now are notes stating that I'm waiting for correspondence. After a week of no communication, you can "nudge" them, and I've done that to several of them. Today, I finally went through and cleared out some of them, just so I wouldn't have to see that damn waiting message. Obviously they would have communicated if they were interested.

What I can't help wondering is who are these women talking to? I've been put on hold by several of them, because they are "pursuing other matches." I've been on eharmony now for probably about a month, and I've yet to reach eHarmony mecca, "Open Communication" with any of them. If there's one thing that has finally impressed itself upon me and gotten past my thick skull, it's that I'm a good catch. Too bad I didn't realize that in high school or college, but better late than never. It's amazing to me how many people that I know tell me things like, "you're wife's going to be lucky," or "you'll make a GREAT dad." People have already tried to set me up since hearing of my break up. They see things in me that recommend me. But of course, through the veneer of a computer screen, there's hardly anything to recommend you other than a picture and a few words. I've wanted to scream through the damn computer screen at these matches and tell them to give me a chance!

I've been listening to an excellent audio book about the life of John Adams, written by David McCullough. Today, there was an excerpt from a letter John Adams wrote to his wife Abigail on May 22, 1776. The Continental Congress was in heated discussion, and John Adams had been away from his wife for months, and missed her. This is what he wrote:

"I want to take a Walk with you in the Garden -- to go over to the Common -- the Plain -- the Meadow. I want to take Charles in one Hand and Tom in the other, and Walk with you, Nabby on your Right Hand and John upon my left, to view the Corn Fields, the orchards, &c.

Alass poor Imagination! how faintly and imperfectly do you supply the Want of original and Reality!"

Hearing this today, it was as if a bell rung though my soul. Like Adams, my own imagination and dreams imperfectly supply the want of original and reality. But for me, there is no reality to turn to, only a longing and hope for what might be.

I'm so fucking tired of living alone.