Today was an important day for me. Not because of any particular event that took place in my life, but rather because there was a creeping awareness that came over me, an awareness as to the direction my life is supposed to take. I have struggled greatly with the question as to why I'm still single, when I am so anxious to be married. As I contemplated this today, walking on Calvin College's campus, it dawned on me that I was still single for a very good reason: I am of more use to the Kingdom of God as a single man than I am as a married one. I think this is especially true because of the fact that the deepest desire of my heart is to be married. There is a keen, underlying awareness of being alone that weaves its way constantly through my thinking and my life. I think it is that very desire, and the accompanying dull loneliness that I generally feel that makes me useful to God. I have come to a point where I truly believe that my daily cross to bear is that of being a man longing for the companionship of a wife, and specifically, I have been called to carry that cross for Meg.
As I walked, I thought about the gifts God has given me. I wondered why I had been granted certain skills, and what I was supposed to do with them. At that moment, the spark of desire began to burn within me to write a book. I feel as if there is a book that God is calling me to write, on a subject that I am intimately acquainted with, and that is at the center of my story. I feel as well that I must be single to write this book, and that indeed I will need to give birth to this book before it's ever conceivable that I will be married. As I see this book, it's absolutely vital that I pen it's pages as a single man, one who was rejected by the woman he loved, and who is longing and yearning with every fiber of his being to find a soul mate. I do not find it an accident now that every woman I have asked out since Meg has refused me. Today, I came to the undeniable conclusion that I have been single for 20 years because it was God's will for my life, and that he has a purpose for me, a very clear purpose: I must write this book. It may never be published, but I am committed to following through on what I feel God is asking me to do. I don't think there's a book quite like it, and I feel that if it were published, it would provide some usefulness.
I saw that book in its entirety this morning. It's now my job to give it birth. And in the meantime, I'm not going to think about finding anyone to date. No one will until I write this book--I'm convinced of it. And surprisingly, I found tremendous freedom in that realization. I didn't spend the rest of the day wondering if my wife would be found around the next bend. I've got a job to do. There will be plenty of time for a wife and family, but now it's time to get to work.
I tell you this: right now, I am sobered. I believe I have seen a glimpse at God's plan for my life, and I am humbled into silence.