Tuesday, March 31, 2009

It's very hard being patient with God. It's one thing to recognize that you are in the palm of God's hand, and to know this in a cerebral way, and to have faith that it is so. It's another thing altogether to rest in that knowledge and completely allow your desires to become wholly subservient to the will of God.

I grow impatient with God, and desire so much to be married. The longer I have lived as a bachelor, I find that there are times when I wonder if God's plans for me don't include a wife. I know that if that's the case, then I will ultimately be happiest and most fulfilled by remaining single, but the death of the dream to be married would be a long and painful one. I sometimes muse that perhaps if God's will is for me to be married, maybe I'll only be married when it becomes irrelevant to me whether I become married or not, because at that point I would have learned to trust in God's plans for me in this area completely and fully.

I'm not sure if I'm man enough to do that, however. I take comfort in the knowledge that God knows our weaknesses, and He knows what my desires are, and He indeed knows that though I wish to leave it all completely in His hands, that I have a very hard time doing it.

I'm accustomed to this single life, and I don't really wish to remain so, but on days like today, it seems very conceivable to me that this will perhaps be my lot in life. I hope not, but God's will be done, right? Even if I'm wrestling with Him, and myself, while I say it.

I do believe this: that I'm supposed to be single right now, since I am. It's clearly God's will for me, even if I don't like. God help me, but I don't like it.

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