Sunday, March 01, 2009

Where'd this come from?

A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Van Auken has always been one of my favorite books, and tonight, my thoughts turned to the grieving process that Sheldon went through after his wife Davy died. He described reliving specific memories, weeping over the loss of Davy, and the loss of those shared moments together. He found that he needed to grieve not for the general loss of Davy, but over so many specific memories they had shared together.

I know that my last relationship has dominated my blog, and my hope now is that my blog will be filled with the hope of a new relationship. In the midst of my happiness, surprisingly, I find myself grieving over the past. I find myself in a bittersweet state, for with each moment of enjoyment Sarah takes in my company, there is a constant awareness in the back of my mind that Meg once felt as Sarah does now, and yet her love was lost to me. I don't understand why this is taking placing, and it is strange to me that I find myself grieving the loss of Meg again, when I am in the midst of the joy of getting to know Sarah. Perhaps this will finally complete the grieving cycle, but all I know is that I wish there were now no thoughts of Meg. Argh! I am in the midst of the heady enjoyment of getting to know someone new, and yet it causes me to feel Meg's rejection again.

At some point, Van Auken believed that he had grieved over the loss of Davy, but for years after, there were moments of surprise that overcame him, when a vivid memory of time spent with Davy came to mind, and he found he needed to grieve once again. Once that moment had been grieved, however, he found that it lost its power to move him. I hope that is the case with this new and unwelcomed grief that has entered my life.

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