As I lay here in bed in the wee hours of the morning, as is my usual wont, I have reached a rather peaceful epiphany. I am done striving to lose weight, done trying to change myself into a svelte, lean, mean fighting machine. My battle to attempt to shed the pounds is over. I have learned that I am utterly powerless to change myself in this area, and so I have decided to put it completely into God's hands.
And with that, there is peace. No more worrying about the scale, no more worrying about what clothes will or won't fit, no more thinking that women may find me more attractive if I could merely get below 200 lbs. again. If women aren't attracted to me, because I am overweight, then that is a gift from God, for it is His will that I be single for as long as I am single. If God ordains that I should be married, and in order to be so, I need to be thin and svelte to be attractive to a woman, then He will provide me with the grace to change my eating habits. Or else He will bring to me a wife who doesn't mind a man with some love handles.
In the meantime, I am choosing to live in the peace that comes with self-abandonment to the will of God in the area of my weight. I'll lose weight when and if God wills it--then, and only then.
I suppose that seems strange, and a copout, but I have become convinced that is the way of our lives. Anytime we overcome any weaknesses in our lives, it is because God has granted us the grace to do so, even in the times when we are convinced that it is our self-discipline that has enabled us to change. Even that is a gift of God's grace.
So I'm done worrying about my weight. I'm done worrying about fitting into Larges again. I'm done worrying about whether or not women are put off by my belly. I've lost weight before, and now I'm basically back where I started. I have proven this: I am powerless to effect any significant or permanent change with my eating habits on my own. I have lived most of my life worried and consumed by concerns over this. I choose the path of freedom from self-condemnation in this regard, and submit myself fully and completely to the will of God, recognizing that I have absolutely no power to change anything in my life, unless God grants it to me to do so. I do hope and prayer that He will give me the grace to change, but may His will be done.
In the meantime, I feel tremendous peace about this, for the first time in years. And I accept the fact that I will be as I am for as long as God wills it. Conquering this particular demon will only happen if He does it.
What a relief that is.