Hard Questions

When my father was a boy, he lost his father at age three. He was an only child then, his mother a single mother and widower. This little family was incomplete, and my father was greatly effected by the loss of his father. His father's death left a void in his life, and at a young age, he had a strong longing for a whole, complete family.

On a trip to the Upper Peninsula when he was about ten years old, traveling to his grandparents for Christmas, my father experienced a poignant moment of longing for family which is as vivid for him today as it was so long ago. Sitting in the back seat of his mother's car, with his aunt in the passenger side, he peered out the windows at the cars traveling alongside. A car passed them, and in it, he saw a father, mother, and several children, all decked out in their Christmas best, traveling to some familiar destination to celebrate the holiday. That scene of domestic wholeness tugged at the young heart of my father, and caused him to feel a deep and powerful longing to one day have a family like the one he saw in the neighboring car. He quietly made a pleading prayer to God, asking and hoping that someday, he would have a family too. God was gracious, and my father's dream was fulfilled.

I've been thinking of late about my own future, and what my own hopes for the future include. I've been wondering whether or not I will ever be a father. I've always assumed that I would be a father, but why? I love children, but do I need children of my own? Are children necessary to lead a fulfilling life? More specifically, are they necessary for me?

These are some of the questions I've been wrestling with of late.

If I were to have children, would it be because it's the thing to do, the thing that's expected? What if I didn't have children? Would I regret that decision when I'm old and grey, and have no grandchildren to bring me the joy that I see in my own parents now? Why do people have a family? Why do some couples choose not to, and do they regret it later on?

I want to reflect on these things. I need to know if I truly desire children. You can't test drive children, and there's no return policy. You've got to know it's what you want.

I've had a fairly happy life, despite my current longing for companionship, and that happy life hasn't included children. In moments of stress and difficulty, I don't doubt that most parents sometimes wish they could send back the goods, though any parent that I've spoken with about the difficulty of parenting has said that they wouldn't change their situation for anything. They love their children, and couldn't imagine having a happy life without them.

It begs the question: can I imagine my entire life without children? And what would it be like with them? Can I imagine that as well? Seeing a little tike bop around my house is certainly an appealing thought. But is it necessary for me?

And what if I loved a woman who didn't want children? What if there was a part of me that desired children, but I couldn't imagine my life without the woman that I loved? What then?

Here's the hardest question of all: what dream do you excise from your life?