Peace and Chaos

Earlier this week, I found myself at a red light, stopped next to a candy red Grand Am. It was a beautiful day, and I had just pulled onto the road, so I decided to roll down my windows. As I rolled down the passenger window, I was confronted by the sound of awful music, and the stench of cigarette smoke coming from the neighboring car. I rolled the window back up, but not after taking stock of the car and its passengers.

It was clear that this was a mom, with her two children in the back, in car seats, and a friend or relative sitting in the front seat. Both of the adults were smoking, and the music was loud and obnoxious.

I wondered what those children's lives were like. To be honest, I felt sorry for them. Was this their life on a daily basis? Was it common for them to be riding along in a smoky car, with music like this blaring over the speakers? I had visions of those kids being bossed around, ordered to get their butts into the car, with the raised voice of their mom--this raised voice perhaps being their normal and expected mode of communication from her. Maybe she was a single mom, just trying to desperately hold everything together. Where was their father? I imagined the possibility of a deadbeat dad, who was no longer in the picture.

I suppose it's not fair to paint such a bleak picture from a 20 second encounter with a neighboring car, but the picture I've painted is one that isn't so far fetched.

Two houses down from me there lived a woman with two young daughters. She is a good mother to her children. Her ex-husband (and the father to her children) is a deadbeat dad. He quit his job instead of having to pay child support to her, and has even told his ex how much he despises her, in front of their two girls. Because of their divorce, and his lack of responsibility, the mom was forced to foreclose on the house and move. Yesterday, the day she was moving, he drove onto the front lawn, when there was room on the street and in the driveway. He's reckless, and the woman is afraid of him. As moving day approached, she wept many times, and leaned on my next door neighbor for solace. When I drove home tonight, in the light of my headlights, I saw what remained of her life in her dream home and her dream of a whole, complete, family: a pile of trash, left by the side of the curb.

Peace is something we all desire for our lives. We all strive for a tranquil existence. But how many people actually live that way? So often the lives around us are filled with chaos, including our own. Chaos can come from situations outside of our control, but more often than not I believe we choose to bring chaos into our lives. This poor woman down the street didn't choose chaos, but the choices of her ex-husband brought chaos, unbidden, into her life and their children's lives. What heartache the choices he made will bring to his daughters we can only guess.

I've been thinking a lot about this the past few days, and realizing how in my life, I can choose chaos over peace far too frequently. I've come to the realization that peace and tranquility partly come from the pursuit of the disciplined life, something which is sorely lacking in too many areas of my own life. I am a disorganized person, and this chronically results in a chaotic existence, one that I detest. Finding peace from the chaos of clutter seems to be a futile exercise most of the time for me.

Thanks to my good friend Torey, I have gained mastery over a room that has been a disaster for a long time. It's been the junk room, a room conveniently located off my dining room, available for easy deposits when guests are coming over with little or no notice. Boxes and boxes of papers galore spilled to overflowing in that room, and it was daunting to say the least. Torey and her ideas for gaining mastery over the paper clutter helped restore order and peace to a room that once was chaotic.

I've also begun thinking about how peace and chaos rule at different times in the rest of my life as well. There are times when the pace of my life has nothing to do with tranquility. Rushing around, running from errand to errand--this is the chaos of stress. But beyond that, in my thoughts, how often do I choose chaos? I often worry about the future, and I can brood with angry thoughts over the smallest slight; I indulge in lustful thoughts, and I envy the wealth or positions of others. I see lives that others lead that can fill me with resentment and envy again. These thoughts bring nothing but turmoil to my life. They never bring me the peace I desire.

I desire to pursue peace over chaos, to fight for tranquility in as many areas of my life as I can; to find order from clutter, and mastery over my thoughts. These are not trifling endeavors, nor easily accomplished. Knowing myself, I will fail as often as I succeed, but I feel the beginning of a new understanding about why striving for discipline is so necessary in my life. It seems to be common sense, of course, that discipline and order bring peace and stability, but for me, pursuing order and discipline has always had more to do with being something I "have" to do. It was motivated out of a sense of "oughtness," not self-betterment. I feel the wind is turning somewhat, however, and I honestly believe I'm reaching a critical juncture, a crossroads and a tipping point to a more ordered and peaceful life.

My trifling concerns over clutter are measly concerns over the unseen tragedies of the lives around us. I think of the chaotic existence of the poor woman just two doors down, a woman that I didn't know at all, or the little family stopped at a red light. I think of the woman at work today, a sad, tragic woman who simply desires to matter to the people around her, and finds this sadly through the constant attention she gets from complaining. She pushed a good man over the edge today, causing him to respond with curses that cut deep. She wept uncontrollably while he was mortified that he let himself lose control. There is chaos all around us, and tragedies galore.

What we must do is to love others.