Thoughts on Work

I had a meeting with management yesterday, where we were successful in causing management to put the reverse light on a new policy that would completely revamp the form of our educational ensembles, ripping many of them apart and reconstituting them into a new format that many people do not feel comfortable with. This was in advance of meetings scheduled today with each education ensemble.

I've become quite good at doing what I need to do to represent the musicians. After yesterday's meeting, I came home and took a nap. When I woke up, I had one of those moments of clarity that can sometimes happen right upon awakening, and I sort of felt like I wanted to puke because of what I have to do in this job sometimes. I can really be a hard nosed bastard, and I become a brick wall that management runs headlong into, in areas where I feel the need to defend my colleagues, or protect the sanctity of our contract and past practice. I think many of my friends and family would be surprised if they would be a fly on the wall in a meeting with management.

This job's changed me, and I don't like all the ways it has.

I went in today to have a meeting, this time a member of my brass quintet. The education director requested that our vice president be present in the meeting, I believe primarily because I was going to be there. It was a bit uncomfortable, and I realized that was largely because I was there, and because of the intensity of yesterday's meeting.

The report so far is that all of the meetings have gone smoothly today, with no groups forced to disband or change the format of their programs. That means my meeting yesterday was a success. My colleagues who were in the meeting with me there have apparently been giving glowing reports to the rest of my colleagues, talking about how deftly I handled the situation. I've grown into the job, and I don't back down, and I'm pretty quick on my feet.

But as I sat there in this meeting today, I saw how uncomfortable this woman was. She was very conciliatory and agreeable, which is what we hoped for after yesterday's meeting. I think she was that way largely because of how I handled our meeting yesterday, conveying in no uncertain terms what the feelings of the musicians were. I was doing my job, and got the job done. But at what cost to me? I wonder, and will continue to wonder, what this job has done to me. I don't want to be a hard nosed bastard, but whoever does this job has to do that sometimes. And now I'm good at it.

Three years ago, I wasn't this way. I was much more happy-go-lucky, and now I'm a guy to be reckoned with.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing.