I just finished watching part two of Jane Eyre. I highly recommend it--it's a terrific miniseries from Masterpiece Theater. On the heels of a difficult day, thinking about Meg more than I have in quite some time, I suppose it's strange that I would finish watching it by watching a film like Jane Eyre, but there it is--it's what I was in the mood for.
Today was hard. Tomorrow will be a reprieve, and I will fall back into my normal mode of coping. Driving that stretch of road today was very hard. And going to a concert in the city where she lives was hard and evoked a ton of memories. When I used to do these concerts, we would always plan to meet afterwards for a drink or ice cream or soemthing. As I drove to the concert tonight, there was a flood of memories and a torrent of emotions flowing through me. Very hard.
I headed for home right away after the concert, but on my way home I stopped and picked up some of my favorite hard cider, Aspall Medium from England. That was the hands down winner from my cider tasting party last year. I had plans to enjoy the cider, watch a movie, to light a fire, and to enjoy some really fine chocolate that I had picked up earlier today.
I still really miss Meg. Sometimes I wonder if it's really Meg that I miss or simply the idea of Meg. Depending on the day it's more one thing than the other.
All I know is that I grow weary of this bachelor's life. I really want someone to share my life with. I know anyone who reads this blog knows that already, but there is no thought that fills my mind more than this. It is ever present and constantly with me. I envy those who have someone to share their life with. I don't like living alone. I don't like coming home to this empty house, I don't like pretending that I'm happy by lighting a fire, eating a tasty snack that I made for just myself, drinking some good beer, or lighting a pipe and then climbing into an empty bed.
The very end of Jane Eyre is my heart. Edward Rochester, blind at this point, is speaking to Jane, who after a series of misfortunes has found her true love again. He calls her to him and says the following:
"Jane, I want a wife. I want a wife, not a nursemaid to look after me. I want a wife to share my bed, every night. All day, if we wish. If I can't have that, I'd rather die."
That is me, each and every day, nearly every moment of every day--this is my constant thought, ever in my mind. There is little else that consumes my thinking. And I long for the day when someone will love me enough to say what Jane said to Edward:
"Hear this, Edward. Your life is not yours to give up. It is mine, all mine, and I forbid it."
Tonight has been a very hard night. It's a Dark Night of the Soul night, perhaps second only to the day when Meg said no to me.
One thing I'm certain of: I want to know that Meg will be in the presence of God for eternity. I want her there--heaven will be a more joyous place with her there. I suppose with complete clarity that comes only by the grace of God, I've come to realize that my desire for her to be in heaven is greater than my desire for a wife, and if God can use my tears and my heart's deepest longing to help get her there, well then so be it. I'll have an eternity of joy if she's there, and any tears I shed now will be forgotten.
Pray for me will you? I'm going through hell right now.