Monday, July 21, 2008

fine

Well, I saw Meg for the final time today. That door is finally closed and it wasn't easy.

I saw her a few weeks ago, and on that day we made plans to get together again. I was optimistic that I might be able to see her from time to time and the justification for her coming over was to try some chocolates. It didn't take too long after that visit two weeks ago for me to figure out that I could never see her again. It's too painful.

I think having a feeling of closure is important though, so I decided to keep our plans as they were. Obviously the chocolates wouldn't be here, but I had cakes for her to try and I knew she'd enjoy that.

I told her how nice it was to see her again, which is true. Chatting with her makes it painfully clear how nice it is to see her. I told her though that I didn't think I could see her again--that it made it difficult and was confusing. She said she understood, and indeed she had expected me to cancel for today.

I asked her a question that had been rolling through my mind. When she told me last week she was dating another guy, she said to me, "But he's not you, Dan."

I asked her why she would ever say that, and what she meant by it.

She of course meant it as a compliment, and as we talked, she told me that even though our relationship hadn't worked out, it proved to her that it was possible that there could be someone with whom everything fit, "like lock and key," that it was possible to find someone who cared about the same things you did, who you could talk everything through, someone who cherished you and who you cherished in return. Essentially our relationship proved to her that it was possible to find a great man. She told me that she doesn't think there are many women out there who deserve to be with me.

That's hard to hear. And so is "lock and key."

I'm beyond angst ridden thoughts about why it didn't work out. I can't consume any more thinking about it. It's natural for me to want to ask her what gives--if I proved to her that it's possible to find someone who fits like a lock and key, then why look any further?

I'm done with those thoughts or questions though. It's pointless and futile.

I told her that I cared about her, that I will always care about her, and that indeed, her relationship was a gift to me--that it helped heal wounds that I had that she didn't even know about. In a very real sense Meg prepared me for my wife, and for that I'll be eternally grateful.

It's painful still that it didn't work out with Meg, but if all that Meg said about me is true, and that she thinks that I'll be a great companion and husband, then I hope and pray that I'll be worthy of that for whomever God has in store for me. I suspect there is a woman out there walking this earth, destined to be my wife, and I imagine that she's wondering when we'll meet, just as I do. I suspect as well that when we finally meet and marry, both of us will be grateful for the other and thank God that all of our other relationships never worked out. I'm not at that point now, but I do feel peace about it.

Meg's not for me. It's painful and sad, but there's peace in the loss of her.

I'm OK with it. I don't like it, but "Thy will, not mine" is all I can say.

That's the only source of peace.

It's still hard, but today was an important day.

This book is closed, though I will continue to pray for her every day. I have come to a point where I realize her happiness and joy is one of the most important things I care about, if not the most important. I want her in heaven, more than anything in all the world! I can't imagine that God will ignore that prayer!

2 comments:

Scott Lyons said...

Been thinking about you and praying for you, Dan.

Dan said...

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers, Scott. It means a lot. It's been a bit of a rough patch, but I'm with J of N...All will be well.