Tides

Grief ebbs and flows. Yesterday was a rough day for me, but the days prior were not so bad, though it's clear to me that every day finds me in a state of mourning the loss of Meg. My grief pales in magnitude to the loss of a colleague of mine whose child was stillborn last week, but yet this grief is mine, the grief that confronts me each day. I'm in that state which so many have been in before me: everywhere I turn, I am reminded of her and how much I love her. Ironically, even the aspects of my life that usually can be counted on to be a diversion for me cause me to think of her. A new copy of Gourmet magazine arrived yesterday and it felt like a life preserver, since I can get lost in the pages of a new food magazine quite easily. But here's the rub: so can Meg, and as I flipped the pages, my only thoughts were of Meg. Surprisingly, those thoughts started out as if we were still together, as I instinctively thought how much Meg would enjoy this or that recipe, or how much fun it would be to prepare this dish for her, and on and on. It hit me hard when I turned the page and saw a section on fun cocktails, something that Meg and I enjoyed experimenting with, which is something that she brought into my life. We would occasionally go buy one new liqueur and then dig up recipes to try and it was immense fun. I'd even have a turn at making up my own--some were hits, and some were duds, but we enjoyed it so much. But that is gone from my life, for good, and the fun that we shared with cooking is gone forever, and it pains me.

Sometimes I am bowled over by the magnitude of what it means to have lost her and I always have a physical reaction of pain deep inside of me. I am not alone in having felt this, but it is my life right now, and it is incredibly hard to deal with. I've decided to live in it, in each moment of loss and sorrow when the knowledge hits me that she will not be in my life. Some people have told me that I need to choose to move on, but I decided recently to not force moving on, or to put my love for Meg to death, willfully. I'm going to continue to love her just as much as I ever did, and let time, and God, lead me forward.

In the meantime, I'm praying for her constantly. That's the only way I can express my love for her now. When I'm praying for her, I sometimes think of one of my favorite lines from A Man for All Seasons, when Sir Thomas More is kneeling before the executioner, attesting his firm belief that he will soon be with God. The executioner asks him if he is sure of that. More responds: "He will not refuse one who is so blithe to come to Him." When I pray for Meg, I pray more fervently than I've ever prayed for anything in my life--I pray for healing, peace, joy and most of all that she would turn her heart towards God. I echo More, and believe that God cannot refuse to answer the heartfelt cries that go up to Him from one who is so blithe to see the one he loves turn her heart towards God. God, may it be so!

Pray for Meg, will you?