Tuesday, March 11, 2008

You have to be careful with dreams--sometimes the price we must pay to dream is too high. We need to dream, but when those dreams are dashed or seem to never be fulfilled you can easily find your heart burdened down by shouldering the full weight of a life you have only hoped to live. That can be too much to bear.

I grow weary of dreaming of finding a woman to share my life with. I am always questioning when I will find the woman God has in store for me. I hope always that today might be the day that I will meet her, but so far, today hasn't come. I don't know if I can live much longer asking that question each and every day, but it's a question that is as automatic and regular to me as breathing.

I sometimes wonder about faith and our actions. If you pray for a job, that doesn't mean you stop sending in applications. You do what's in your power to help fulfill that prayer, right? If you're ill or recovering from surgery, and ask God to heal you, you still go to physical therapy, right? What about finding a wife? I’m not single still for a lack of trying to find her. It's not for fear of asking women out. I’ve finally broken through that hurdle. I ask them out and they say no. So be it--that's the way it usually works for most people. But I’ve reached a point where I'm about ready to toss in the towel on "doing the right stuff." It wears me down. Just last week a woman who I've been working on getting to know and hoping to go out with for several months revealed to me that she's already in a relationship. Rejection and dashed dreams like this can be a huge emotional drain for me. I don’t think I can take it anymore. It fits far too closely to the pattern of my life in this regard and I’mworn out by the whole vain hoping and wishing that today might be the day. I signed up on eHarmony again and I’ve thought about joining some of the other sites again in an attempt to “do the right stuff” to help fulfill my prayer, though I’m reaching the point where I’m not sure if that’s wise for me. I can't live my life anymore wholly consumed with looking for the next possible avenue where I'll meet my wife or hoping that today might finally be the day I’ll meet her.

When I think about finding a wife I must think about God and God's will for my life. It's clear that God's will for me right now is to be single. I must accept that, but at the same time God knows the desires of my heart, and praying for a companion is certainly something that God understands. He hears my prayer and he will answer it when he sees fit. I hope and pray that will be soon. I feel as if time to enjoy a life with my wife is slipping away. I want as much time as I can have! I envy those who married in their youth. I think about having children and how they would probably come several years away. I want my children to have a close relationship with their cousins, but they are all getting older and I suspect that by the time I have a child, my oldest nephew will be old enough to be my own child’s father. As time passes, my children’s chances of having cousins close in age to them grow more and more slim. That saddens me. I want my children to have as many years as they can with my parents too. I desire for them to know their grandparents for as long as they can, but often I fear that marriage for me is far away. I’m chomping at the bit to get married, but for whatever reason, God has said no. I pray, “thy will be done,” but it’s hard waiting. Feeling as if time is passing me by and passing by for my children just compounds the angst I feel as I continue in this solitary state. It adds urgency to the question of whether or not today is the day.

I am beginning to reach the point where I realize I have no choice but to leave the matchmaking utterly and completely in God's hands. Here is the fact: if I am to marry some day, that woman is walking this earth now. She's not going to suddenly appear in my sleep, made from a missing rib of mine. She's out there now, probably asking the same questions that I'm asking, wondering where her husband can be found, who he is and what he's like. I feel like my focus needs to shift. Instead of constantly wondering where I'm going to find my wife, I’ve decided that my prayer is going to shift towards her. I'm going to ask God to help her find me. It's her prayer I'm sure as well. She wants to find me as much as I want to find her. I think it will be easier on my sanity if I pray for her quest, and that God would orchestrate her finding me. I just can't live continually hoping and longing that today will be the day I will find her. I’m ready to give up honestly, not for the lack of desire, but just because I don’t think I can maintain my sanity anymore like this. For me, a peaceful day would be one in which the thought of who my wife will be didn’t cross my mind.

I just hope with all my heart that God will bring us together soon. The thought of having to wait for many more years is very hard to stomach. All I can do is live each day, and trust in God. For my sanity’s sake, I think I really need to live my life now with the thought that I’m a confirmed bachelor, until some sort of miracle happens and I meet a woman who will want to share her life with me and I with her.

I also am convinced of this: that woman will be a fortunate woman. I'm a good man, and I know that I will love and cherish my wife more than your average man. I look forward to loving her, but for now, I’m living life as a single man, and I’m going to try hard to adjust my thinking to embrace that and leave my future completely in God's hands. We’ll see if I’m successful.

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